 Get Twitter buttons |
Dog Sharing - Sensible Or Selfish?
If your relationship breaks up, who gets your dog? You may think you are the one who will automatically keep your pets, but have you ever discussed it? Don’t assume that because it’s been mentioned in passing it’s all sorted. The reality of break-ups is a world of recriminations and point scoring, pets can be just another piece of ammunition.
In 2006 Big Brother star Alex Sibley and his Big Brother live in partner Melanie Hill ended up in court over custody of their dog when they separated. Unable to reach an amicable solution, court was their only option. I am sure they believed previously that there really wasn’t anything to discuss or fight over. Miss Hill claimed Mr Sibley only became interested in the dog as their relationship deteriorated. It was interesting that Miss Hill argued for sole custody whilst Alex Sibley argued for joint. Was this a cynical ploy to upset Melanie Hill? Did Alex Sibley really know that he couldn’t care for their dog Poppy full time? Or was he being the more genuine person, willing to share their beloved dog?
Anyone who has been through the pain of a break-up knows how emotionally draining it is. If you have children it is doubly hard as they struggle to come to terms with the changes. At least though with kids you can reason and explain and make the transition as easy as possible. With dogs they feel your pain and upset but can’t understand the reasons why things are different. Changes in routine, rules and the inevitable arguments must be very distressing for them.
Could you decide to let your partner take your dog if you felt that was the best home for them? Could you walk away knowing that seeing your dog regularly might upset them and you? How would you decide who could offer the best home?
I have been asked several times by clients to give an opinion on who should keep their dog. It feels like I am making the “Judgement of Solomon” and nobody can win. In the case of close friends of mine I was certain that the husband, who owned the dog before my friend married him, allowed her to keep the dog so he could claim visitation rights. He really wanted to keep the dog himself but by allowing her to keep it, he had a reason to keep calling and visiting and actually keeping contact with his wife, not the dog. Once she got into another relationship, he said he wasn’t coming any more but neither did he want the dog.
In giving opinions on these situations, I take several factors into account, not just how much time each person has to spend with the dog. Who has paid the vet bills and walked the dog. Who buys the food and plays with the dog? Who has come home early or cancelled a social engagement to make sure the dog was fine? The answers often don’t make the decision any easier.
In the Hill/Sibley case the judge decided to award Alex Sibley custody 2 weeks out of every 5, could you live with that? I couldn’t. The dog was originally from Battersea, adopted as a rescue dog. Who signed the adoption contract? For my rescue, only one person signs it. My dogs are registered in my name, I pay the vets bills and the microchips are registered to me too. Nobody would get my dogs. When I kicked an ex out of my house, he took the furniture, I kept all the cats and dogs.
I was very concerned to see the launch of “Flexpets” an idea from the USA where people who love dogs but who can’t care for one full time can borrow one. They can take them for a day or for a weekend then put them back. The company claim all these dogs are temperament assessed to make sure they are well adjusted dogs who can deal with this sort of lifestyle and live in a foster home in-between. They say they hope some people will fall in love and adopt the dog. If they weren’t in a position to own a dog full time in the first place, how can they suddenly be suitable after road testing a dog?
There are lots of owners who dog share now. Their dogs go into proper day care with an animal sitter or even spend the day with grandparents. Presumably these dogs feel no adverse effects. But in those cases it is something to benefit the dog. The dog takes its own food and toys and the sitter or grandparent agrees to keep the dog in the way the owners want it kept. Could that work with separated, warring partners?
I worked with a couple to try and sort their differences. The husband had always had rules about not allowing the dog on the couch or the bed. The wife had rules about not feeding the dog at the table or having too many treats otherwise the kids would spoil it. The kids lived with Mum with weekends with Dad and the dog swapped at the same time too.
Every time the kids and dog swapped back a fight broke out. The husband claimed the dog was out of control and jumping on the furniture, the wife claimed it got fatter after each weekend, obviously spoiled with treats. Was the fight really about the dog? Or was the dog being used to score points? Did they really have the dog’s best interests at heart?
There will be dogs who cope with changes and variety, but not all of them. It is difficult to separate emotion from reality in these cases, but it must be done. In my case I lost my furniture to save an argument about the dogs but I happily sat and ate on the floor until I could get a new set. I would do the same again. I can get more furniture, I can’t replace the dogs.
It is a sad fact that people use their kids against their partner in a separation. I have seen people refuse access, turn their kids against a parent or make it too difficult and upsetting to hand them over. All this to punish the partner, using their children as the pawns. Unfortunately I have seen dogs used this way too. Not being back on time to worry someone, claiming the dog is ill and can’t be returned, suggesting the dog was stressed when being brought back, all designed to affect the other owner, not help the dog. The hardest decisions are the ones that hurt us, but they have to be made.
What precautions have to taken to ensure you can prove your dogs are yours? It might be an idea to start thinking about it. I hope you never have to deal with this situation, but if you do, get an objective opinion on exactly what would be best for the dog. If all else fails, maybe you could use the “Lassie test”. Stand at different ends of the street and shout your dog and see which one they run to………. Dare you take that test?
| Debbie Connolly Bites Back |
| Jane Common - Getting Around With The Hound |
| Kate Bendix - Taking Itch Out Of Your Bitch |
| Subscribe to our newsletter and you'll receive regular emails keeping you up to date on our latest news, special offers and exclusive member only deals! |
